unofficial_bio

MY MYSTERIOUS MISTRESS
By Sam the Dalmatian

Hello. I know this is the unofficial bio of Linda Lee Peterson, but I assume I should introduce myself first. I’m Sam, the Handsome Rescue Dalmatian, and my mistress’ personal assistant.

You may think the “mysterious” in the title refers to her new trade as a mystery writer. It does not. It refers to some pretty darn puzzling mysteries about her. Perhaps you can help solve them. Here they are:

1. Why is the “hero” dog in Edited to Death a German Shepherd? Not to be “breedist,” but you know the joke about Shepherds:

“How many German Shepherds does it take to change a light bulb?”
A. "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."

You get the picture – German Shepherds are self-important, and personally, I find it annoying that my mistress would contribute to that self-aggrandizement. Dalmatians, on the other hand, are humble. Hyper, maybe, but humble. I would have made a very handsome hero. Note to self: mention this to my mistress for the next book.

2. Why are there cats AT ALL in the book?
What is that about? She’s allergic to them. They’re snooty and also – like German Shepherds – way too impressed with themselves. She had a cat once and didn’t much care for it. But so what? I’m sure that cat didn’t care for her either. And multiple cats? Is she insane? That’s just asking to be put in your place, day in and day out.

3. Why doesn’t she give me more jobs? I’d like to free up her time so she could write more. Here are some things I could do – easily:

a. Clean out the fridge. Really, just feed all that questionable stuff to me.
b. Answer the doorbell when the FedEx & UPS guys show up. Let me at them. Of course, I do still need some help turning the doorknob. But still…
c. Handle her social calendar. What’s with all the going out? Practice saying this: “I’m sorry. That would be lovely and I wish I could ____________ (go to a meeting, get my hair cut, see a movie) but I have to stay home and hear Sam’s views on the infield fly rule, the balance of trade, and whether that golden lab next door still finds him attractive minus some of his original equipment.

Well, that’s my perspective. There are more mysteries to come. I can only end by quoting that crabby old guy on television with the cockapoo eyebrows, Andy Rooney:

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

Linda's unofficial bios

...IN WHICH AN OLD COLLEGE FLAME AND THE FAMILY DOG WEIGH IN WITH WHAT THEY THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW.

I was the first college boy to send Linda Peterson flowers. We had a date for a dorm party; they served velvet hammers (these were probably grape juice, vodka, and red wine); I didn't drink, but I did. Got drunk. Silly. She probably put me to bed. Hangover the next morning. Sent her flowers--roses, I think--as an apology. She's been putting the drunk and silly to bed ever since. And getting flowers. I should say, "Who would have known that she's grow up to be..." but I knew. I mean, Betty Crocker Homemaker of the Year, for gods sake. Your path is completely destined. She did get rid of that odd little sundress with stripes and buttons. That's good. She's quite classy now. But why SO determined to have a complete, matched set of oyster forks or whatever they are? Why?

— Steve Tollefson